Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Summary: Director Paul Anderson wonders idly if anyone would buy another ticket to a clip show he pretends is a movie starring his wife. In this ‘final’ chapter Alice, the ‘Never asked for hero’ gets to shoot more stuff, in places no one cares about, seeing familiar faces no one remembers and forming minute long bonds that she will pretend lasted a lifetime.

 

In a fashion similar to the later Saw movies, Resident Evil: The final chapter gets its jollies recalling things any sane person would have long forgotten. Except the laser hall… Anderson brings that hallway up in every R.E. film he can, it’s a love affair that borders on obscene. If he cared about the source material as much as he cares about lasers this series would be amazing, but I digress. The movie opens telling the summary of a story that would have made a much more interesting movie; the true origins of Umbrella and the T-Virus, then it moves on to the boring tale of Alice and her band of diehard buddies that you are in no way compelled to care for, and outright struggle to understand why Alice cares about them and vice versa.
This movie, like every other one of its ilk suffer from too many cuts per scene. I mean they cut the footage all the time for no reason. Walking can have around 30 cuts, and for what? No, hold on I know why, because the scenes are boring and go on too long so the video editor is like; one step, cut, half step, two cuts, foot lands, cut, slow-mo of dust from under foot, cut. It is so absurd it should be a drinking game, but it wouldn’t be take a shot for every cut, it would have to be wrap your lips around a bottle of preferred liquor and keep drinking until five seconds pass without a cut. You would be drunk in three minutes and dead by the end. On second thought don’t make that a game, you will die.

 

The movie has action and likes to pretend it has drama. There is nothing new or interesting in this film other than discovering what Umbrella and the T-Virus were all about (according the movies not the games). I suppose in some universe where a person can somehow focus through the constant cutting of basic actions the fight scenes might be quite good, however this is not that universe and I am not that person. Furthermore things just happen in this movie, people will come into the scene without ever being introduced properly by the camera and then promptly die leaving the audience wondering ‘who was that person?’ Though Capcom may have mercy and, in light of their successes with Resident Evil 7, decide to take the franchise back and maybe give it a reboot. Please do not think due to the ‘Final Chapter’ title that this is inevitable, it is quite clear that they do not intend to stop making these unless actually stopped.

Overall I fought HARD not to look at my watch, and I lost that fight. Every second of the movie felt like a waste of time because honestly the whole thing could have been over in 40 min if shot effectively meaning I give it:

2.1/10


Spoliers past this point, if you haven’t seen the movie then now would be the time to move on.

I refuse to believe in a world where someone makes something as technologically advanced as the Red Queen that they would bother to make it able to hook up to a dot matrix printer. I feel that the person who even wrote that in the script refused to think about it as he wrote. I’m also pretty sure RQ hooked up to it remotely, which is… impossible. Unless someone made a dot matrix printer with bluetooth/wifi capabilities… I mean if you’re going to do stupid shyte like that may as well get a wireless router for dialup while you’re at it.

In any case in case you feel my score was a bit low and wondered what I thought was so bad about it here is a small sampling of the questions I had while watching this movie, in no particular order:

Did I slip into a coma and miss the moment when Angry McNotrust saw ANYTHING that would warrant him not only trusting Alice but deciding to go on a death mission with her. Why did the mechanic decide to go on the death mission? Even if the story had established why they trusted her so much how was she really going to help? Why was Claire in the movie at all? One might think it is because they wanted one of the flagship characters to be involved in the fall of umbrella but…. why when they didn’t think she needed to even be seen for one half of franchise. Why did homeboy ask ‘what do we do now?’ after the montage of traps they set? Is the answer not spring the traps? Was he high? I seriously need to know. How is it that Isaacs was willing to kill Alicia’s father because he didn’t do what he wanted but wasn’t willing to kill Alicia, or older for that matter, when she was young to get her half of the company?
Why did Red Queen not just lie to Wesker, she said she couldn’t harm an employee, but in setting Alice on them it was indirect murder, lying is the same, so just tell lies, all the time. They need her to run the facility so even if she got turned off it would put them at a disadvantage. Why did Isaacs wait until Alice was done giving all her orders from the rooftop before firing up there, why not do it immediately and screw up their trap coordination. Why did Wesker turn off the fan after one death??? They couldn’t have held on forever so it would make more sense to just leave it on. Moreover when the fan originally turned on they were on the side that would not suck them in, so shouldn’t it have been blowing them out? How did Claire not blow her foot off with the bomb? Why are there trick hatches in the ventilation shafts that dump potential service men into apparently top secret experimentation rooms? Why did the Red Queen and Fake/Real/Fake Alice need the savior of the world to be willing to risk her life? Seriously why?

 

DO ANY OF THESE REVELATIONS EXPLAIN ALICE’S MISSING SUPER POWERS AND WHY UMBRELLA DIDN’T DROP EVERYTHING TO REPLECATE THEM??

Also can someone on this planet please explain why Ruby Rose is in everything? Like she is one of those actors that is suddenly popular and you assume it’s because they did something awesome you didn’t see, but then you look them up and it turns out that is patently untrue. Michelle Rodriguez was that person to me for a while, until I saw Girl Fight and understood why anyone would give a single fluff. However Ruby Rose is the Paris Hilton of actors, just all over the place for no reason, and by no reason I mean you could put any average actor off the street in her role and the result would be the same or better. I mean sure she is a famous model, but what talent does she have that’s worth upping the price of casting over? What’s worse is she seems to be bad for most roles she’s in because of her Australian accent, meaning the plot either has to make an excuse for it like Black Matter or make her mute like John Wick. Even in Orange is the New Black they slipped her in like I wouldn’t notice, but her Australian-ness was used to further neither her character or the plot so it just felt weird when up against so many characters who were so well defined by their origin.

I think Hollywood is trying to force feed me Ruby Rose.

I don’t think I like it.

Undecided.

~ A. Clarke, Writer & Animator

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